My Angels

Five years ago today was one of the worst days of my life.
Miscarriage #1.

I thought I would die of heartache, and part of me wanted to. I wanted nothing to do with the world, for mine had been crushed – the wind was knocked out of me by a huge crashing wave, and I was drowning, suffocating.

I remember the doctor’s words, the image on the screen, the look on my husband’s face. Suddenly all I could hear was the loud thudding of my heartbeat and a woman wailing in the next room ..but that woman was me. Although they tried not to be seen, I remember the pitiful expressions on the nurses’ faces as my husband guided me out to the car. I do not remember the ride home.

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home?

Two days later was my surgery. “Conflicted” doesn’t really cover it. I never wanted this surgery, yet it couldn’t happen soon enough. The most unimaginable heartache I’ve ever experienced was knowing I was carrying my child that I would never hold.

When Jesus is my fortress, a constant friend is He.
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

It’s been an emotional zip line ever since, and I’d basically given up hope of carrying a child, feeling it move and stretch inside of me. Everything we’ve been through has impressed upon me how much if a miracle life truly is. I am grateful beyond words to be the mother of the child I’m carrying today. I am also acutely aware of how painful it feels to even see a baby bump or pacifier when your heart is broken.

Our marriage was strengthened, weakened, strengthened.. and so on for 2-3 years. He took great care of me after the surgery, and we moved forward as soon as possible. Intently trying to conceive, failing, testing and trying medicines wear on a marriage in a way for which you cannot prepare. The last few years we have just been ‘us’. Not trying on a schedule, no more medicine, just living our lives. We also began researching adoption options. Even though this time period included more heartache, we were better to each other- kinder, more patient people.

I sing because I’m happy!
I sing because I’m free!
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

Thank you, Jesus, for carrying me when I couldn’t walk, for keeping our marriage intact through hell and back only to somehow come out stronger together on this side. In six short weeks, we will meet our miracle, our child of God. I pray we are better parents and spouses because of our journey. Thank you, Jesus!

For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

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