I accomplished something today that I’ve ignored for years. I knew it was there, just waiting to be gone through- used, packed away for good, or thrown away. The thing was, I couldn’t completely remember what was in there, and it scared the crap out of me to go down that road.
We’ve called it the baby closet. I’m sorry if that sounds creepy, weird, or otherwise, but that’s what it’s been. Over the years through our fertility journey – the highest of highs and lowest of lows – I’d created this cave where sweet little baby nothings go to rest. Things that once held joy but later caused intense pain to see. Well-wishes from loved ones in the form of greeting cards, hand-stitched gifts, hand-me-down gear, teddy bears, & onesies. Half-used pregnancy journals. These things all went to rest in totes & boxes behind a door that could be shut & forgotten. The space disabled me.
Today, I’m 35 weeks & 1 day. That closet just happens to be in the room we’re using as a nursery, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. So I did it today… I pulled out each box, each item, & sat down in the living room alone to sort through it all. You can guess the mixture of emotions that flowed through my spirit, but I did it.
Last week, I got pretty frustrated with my doctor’s office & the hospital pre-admissions crew. Little things their staff members handle daily are new steps to me, & I’m often feeling left in the dark with insufficient explanation. While I work on finding my voice to ask the right questions, I’m really just trying to keep from crying at every unexpected turn.
When a friend reminded me this week that I have much for which to give thanks, I was a bit taken aback. Of course I’m thankful. Didn’t she remember where I’ve been?
My baby is healthy. Even considering my heart condition, I am healthy. In no way are these beautiful feats lost on me. I surrendered years to the seeming reality that giving birth would not be in my path.
But maybe, in my moments of frustration, fear, & anxiety, I had lost perspective. I know my heart, & my Savior knows my heart, but sometimes the human element takes over & I forget to praise instead of whine.
Thank you, Lord, for not giving up on me. Thank you for covering me in grace while I sort my way through & find your forgiveness & peace. Thank you for lending me your strength to face my demons in the closet.
It’s just a closet now; it holds no power over me.
Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.